When an educator, journalist, politician, mental health theorist, or inner subpersonality (a.k.a. part) praises the corrective benefits of feeling shameful, don’t believe it. Shamefulness drives two costly categories of behavior: (1) avoidance and (2) aggression.
Likewise, don’t believe authorities (external or internal) who extol the benefits of shaming others to police or socialize them, be they adults or children. Shaming functions mainly to mask a personal vulnerability and help the shamer feel superior. Accordingly, we cannot say that some shaming is good (the I’m going to improve you! kind) and some is bad (I’m going to crush you!).
Plain and simple, shaming is a self-interested act. It demonstrates the need (and ability) of the shamer’s protective parts, who are exclusively concerned with the shamer’s status and safety, to ferret out and profit from the vulnerabilities of other people. Think of it this way: If I shame me, I do it for me; if I shame you, I do it for me.
My perspective on shaming and shamefulness derives from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. We can think of the part who shames inside, often called an inner critic, as a sheep in wolf’s clothing. It means well for us. By driving vulnerable, supposedly shameful parts out of sight, it aims to make us socially and morally acceptable.
In contrast, the part that shames other people is more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. By presenting itself as the arbiter of morality, normality, goodness, or acceptability, it (1) displays superiority; (2) exerts control; (3) accrues power; and, most importantly, 4) reboots our sense of value by making us feel bigger, stronger, and more worthy than others.
When I’m threatened with being overwhelmed by shamefulness, my external critic—that wolf in sheep’s clothing—is ready with a quick fix. It puts a vulnerable person in my shoes and declares You be me instead of me. It conjures a fictional superiority to counter my impending sense of worthlessness. It helps me disidentify (I’m not that!) from my own most private, urgent needs.
Freud called this quick fix projection. It’s effective and common, but as reality reasserts itself the effects wear off. Over the long run, both self-criticism and projection are losing strategies. Urging self-improvement on shamed young parts reinforces a falsehood (I’m defective). Insisting that someone else embodies some quality that I’ve learned to despise in me prevents me from attending to the perfectly normal, reasonable needs of my parts for validation and love.
Can we do better than shaming ourselves and others to ward off feeling shameful? Certainly. Can you guess how? The answer is counterintuitive. If you want to challenge identity myths (I’m worthless, I’m unlovable) that keep hard-working critics, inside and out, on the job try befriending your critics. Listen to their concerns. Trust their good intentions for you. Be curious. Offer to help the parts they protect. If doing this alone seems daunting, get help. Don’t give up. Critics don’t like their jobs. They’re waiting for your help.
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